I have shared with you all before that I love to sing. I have been singing since I was 5 years old and for most of my life it was my dream to perform.
I had many opportunities in my life to be on stage in musical theater and in school to showcase my talent. I loved and still love singing. It is in my blood. It is who I am.
When I became a Christian, I became involved in the worship team. I had been asked a couple of times to lead worship for the college group. Dan has asked me before if I would be interested and I have often had thoughts about being a worship leader. But I always keep myself from pursuing such a thing.
It isn't because I don't believe I can do it. I am confident enough in my ability.
I am mostly afraid of me. My pride.
As Rachel Berry from Glee said "I am like Tinkerbell. I need applause to live."
I love attention. I am mostly afraid that should I ever get on that stage and lead folks in corporate worship (which is a huge deal and should never be taken lightly) that my head would get so fat glorifying myself that it would explode. I am afraid of forgetting the real reason why I was doing it.
I don't anticipate that I would behave this way. It is just a fear that I have because I know myself. I know that sometimes I can get carried away. That I can tend to get a little too excited about something and forget the whole point of why I was doing it. That I can get caught up in the attention that I am getting from it as opposed to focusing on who or what I was doing it for.
It is an ugly side of me that I try my best not to let resurface. I can get cocky and behave as if I am the hottest thing that showed up this side of the world. I don't like it, but I know that she is there. And if I am not careful she can rear her ugly head.
But I also need to remember that God, with the Holy Spirit will enable me with all the strength, endurance and humility to fulfill a task. That should God direct me to be a worship leader, or anything else for that matter, that I would present my offering humbly at His feet.....knowing that He would do with it according to His will. That if He directs me to move in a direction, I need to move. I should not let fear dictate whether or not I obey God. You just need to obey.
This is not a blog post about me believing I am to be a worship leader. To be quite honest I don't really know what I am supposed to be doing besides being a wife and partner to my husband and a loving mommy to my babies. I am praying for direction right now. But right now God seems to be keeping me in the home right now and I am okay with that. I know that there is a time and place for everything.
Basically my point is I have a fear of my pride resurfacing and ruining everything. Because I am a fallen child...saved by Grace. I know that I will fail. But I have a loving and kind Father in heaven who will forgive me. Will help me wipe off the dust on my pant legs and encourage me to keep moving. To keep holding His hand and to keep yearning for His will for my life. I won't allow the enemy to keep reminding me that I am a prideful, overconfident woman who shouldn't waste her time with God's work.
I want to be on the front lines. I don't want to sit in the background. Whether I choose singing, teaching women to study their Bible or travel around the world loving the orphans....should my pride resurface, may my Loving Savior bring me back to the ground.
What are your fears? Do you feel God directing you in some way but you find yourself hesitating? Why?